blank blank fullness

I'm in awe at the weight of my laptop in my hands, an object as familiar and frequently used as the other accoutrements of daily life. Was it always this heavy?! Or am I just newly this weak?

I'm in awe at how something as indistinguishable and weightless as a mosquito could cast such a dark and heavy shadow on my body and mind. 

Life was eclipsed out of me for a merciless 4 days of heaving and groaning, aching and disorientation like only subtropical illness born of trips to exotic lands could render. 

I'm in awe at the moments of collapse held up by some resilient, insistent modicum of consciousness still beating me alive.

I'm in awe at how everything has changed now. For the moment at least. Perhaps I won't soon be slipping into my old ways, dedicated to the fresh palette near-death has afforded me. 

Part of me knows 'near-death' is an exaggeration. Part of me lived it, and felt it. The obliteration was real. 

I'm in awe at how sped up my natural processes became while in this netherworld. The skin on my face scaly, needing exfoliation. The hairs on my body prickly, allowed free reign to delight in life above the surface. The white tips of my nails long, clearly pronounced. 

Make no mistake, I am shedding. 

Perhaps this was the 'final purge' the Akashic records reader saw. An early birthday gift I thought to schedule before this long-form trip. I was intrigued by her insight into the many transformations she saw in my past, and how 'that was enough'. She saw me standing on a rumbling mountain, portending a big upending of my life. I fell ill as we pulled into Rishikesh, the foothills of the Himalayas. Go figure.

I recently read that the greater the shadow you face, the greater your capacity for light. 

I'd take the honor of being that sunbeam if it meant we could dance our days on the shoreline of summer love for as long as we've got left in us.

gratitude ain't just a feelin let it heal ya
roll through your expectations let it steel ya
looking for more as if you're so poor
yea we're beggars baby but not for more 
mercy is all we came here open for