The things we hold on to age us
Heavy loads pressing down on our
Shufflin feet, drawing traces through the forest
across our faces,
see the things I've seen?
They live on in me telling me
Telling you, telling what's
The story morning glory
something's Got to go
give. then....
Ah yes, I too have been here
The helplessness in the face of
Time
Marching over our hopes and dreams
pulling back our many-fingered grip
The soft part of our bare bellies
learning
how to be
how to be
|
Love is not just something that happens to you: it is a certain special way of living and being alive.
Love is an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life. We do not live merely in order to safely vegetate through our days until we die. Nor do we live merely in order to take part in the routines of work and amusement that go on around us.
We are not just machines to be cared for and driven safely until they run down.
In other words, life is not a straight horizontal line—or the safest and shortest distance—between two points, birth and death.
Rather, life curves upward—or can—to peaks and plateaus of intensity, to higher points and regions of meaning and value, where all of a person’s latent creative possibilities are called into action and the person transcends him- or herself in encounter, response, and communion with another human being.
And it is for this communion and self-transcendence that we came into the world.
We do not become fully human until we give ourselves to another in love.
Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone—we find it with another. We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study and calculation in our own safe and isolated meditations. The meaning of life has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love.
And if this love is unreal, then the secret will not be found, the meaning will never reveal itself, the message will never be decoded. At best, we will receive a scrambled and partial message, one that will deceive and confuse us.
We will never be fully real to ourselves or another until we let ourselves fall fully in love—either with another human being or with God.
Our attitude to life invariably is also going to be, in one way or another, our attitude toward love.
Our conception of ourselves is bound to be profoundly affected by our conception—and our experience—of love.
And our love—or our lack of it—our willingness to risk it, or our determination to play it safe and avoid it, will be an endless expression of ourselves: of who we think we are, of what we want to be, of what we think we are here for.
This will not be something that merely goes on in our head. Our attitude toward love and toward life affects our entire life.
And genuine love is a personal revolution—it transforms our entire life. Real love takes your ideas, your desires, and your actions and welds them together in one experience and one living reality which is a new you.
And you may prefer to keep this from happening.
You may prefer to keep your thoughts and desires and acts in separate compartments, but if you do so then you will be an artificial and divided person, and such a life and way of living will not make sense, and is not likely to be happy or healthy.
Most of us do not consciously reflect and contemplate on what love is and is not. Instead, we consciously or unconsciously tailor our notions of love according to the patterns we are exposed to day after day in movies, TV, music, advertising, and in our reading.
And one of the most prevailing ready-made attitudes or approaches toward life and love in our culture is what might be called the “package” concept of love.
In it love is regarded as a deal. In order to make a deal you have to appear in the marketplace with a worthwhile product or self—or if the product that you are doesn’t seem worth very much, then you can dress it up in a good-looking package (Chris Rock’s “representative”). Thus we unconsciously consider ourselves and others to be objects for sale on the market. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be desired, we want to attract potential customers, we want to look like the type of product that makes money, has curb appeal, et cetera. Hence, we waste a great deal of time and life modeling ourselves on the images presented to us by our affluent marketing society.
And in doing this we come to consider ourselves and others not as persons but as products—as “goods,” as “packages.” We commodify each other and appraise each other commercially. We size each other up and make deals with a view to our own profit, benefit, and security. We do not give ourselves in love: instead we make a deal that will enhance our own product or standing or security.
The long word for all of this is narcissism. And psychologists have had some pretty rough things to say about the immaturity and narcissism of our love in our marketing society.
The moment one approaches love in terms of “need” and “fulfillment,” love has to be a deal. And what’s worse is that since we are constantly subjected to the saturation bombing of our souls and senses and imagination with suggestions of perfection, more ideal fulfillments, better forms of psychological security and gratification, we almost cannot help but be acommittal and constantly revising our estimate of the deal we have made. We seem to be unable to help ourselves from going back on our word and seeking to make a “better” deal with someone else who is more satisfying, in tact, alluring, secure, beneficial to us.
The trouble with this commercialized idea of love is that it diverts our attention more and more from the essentials of love to the accessories or periphery of love. You are no longer able to really love the other person, because you become obsessed with your own standing, security, and advancement—you become obsessed with the efficacy of your own and the other’s package, your own and the other’s product, your own and the other’s market value.
And this is not love. What this is is narcissistic; and it’s dehumanizing.
The truth is that this whole “package” concept of life and love and is self-defeating; it actually undermines the development of real love. To consider love merely as a matter of need and fulfillment, as something which works itself out in a cool and calculating deal, is to miss the whole point of love—and of life itself.
To regard love as merely a need to be fulfilled, as something to get, reflects and immature and regressive and stunted view of life and other people.
The plain truth is that love is not a matter of getting, and certainly not a matter of always getting what you want. Quite the contrary. The insistence on always having what you want, on always being happy and satisfied and secure, on always being fulfilled, makes love impossible. To love you have to climb out of the cradle where everything is “getting,” and grow up to the maturity of giving, and without nearly as much concern for getting anything special in return. Love is not a deal, it is often self-sacrifice. Love is not marketing, it is a form of worship, reverence, appreciation, and gratitude.
In reality, love is a positive force, a transcendent spiritual power or motivation. It is, in fact, the deepest creative and courageous power in human nature. Love flowers spiritually in response to a deep encounter with another person. It is a living appreciation of life as value and as a gift. Love has its own wisdom, its own science, its own art, its own way of exploring the inner depths of life in the mystery of the loved person. Love knows, understands, and meets the demands of life insofar as it responds with warmth, abandon, surrender.
When people truly love each other, they experience far more than just a mutual need for each other’s company and consolation. In—or through and because of—their relationship with each other they become different people: they become more than their everyday selves; they become more alive, more understanding, more abiding, more enduring, more patient, more courageous. They become better people. They are made over into new beings. They are transformed by the power of their love.
Love is the revelation of our deepest person potential and meaning and value and identity.
But this revelation or revealing remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner to our own egoism and fears.
I simply cannot find myself in myself: only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not by my own estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; the one who loves me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that even these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; that I am therefore still valuable and lovable as a person in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior “package.”
As we deepen in love, the package becomes less and less important until it becomes unimportant altogether. What matters is this infinitely precious message which we can discover only in our love for another person.
This mutual revelation of two persons in their deepest secret is something entirely private. And it cannot be communicated to anyone else until it is embodied in the child who becomes, as it were, a living word, a physical manifestation of their shared secret.
Love is a transforming and redeeming power of almost mystical intensity which endows the lovers with qualities and capacities they never dreamed they could embody.
Where do these qualities come from?
From the enhancement of life itself, deepened, intensified, elevated, strengthened, and spiritualized by love. Love is not only a special way of being alive, it is the perfection of life. He who loves is more alive and more real than he was when he did not love.
That is perhaps one of the reasons why love seems dangerous: the lover finds in himself too many new powers, too many new insights. Life looks completely different to him, all his values change. What seemed worthwhile before has become trivial; what seemed impossible before has become effortless and easy. When a person is undergoing that kind of inner cataclysm, anything might happen. And thank God, it does happen! The world would not be worth much if it didn’t.
The power of genuine love is so deep and so strong that it cannot be deflected from its true aim even by the silliest of wrong ideas. When love is alive and mature in a person, it does not matter if the person has a false idea of himself and of life: love will guide him according to its own inner truth and will correct his ideas in spite of himself.
The trouble, however, is that our wrong ideas may prevent love from growing and maturing in our lives.
Once we love, our love can change our thinking. But until then, wrong thinking can inhibit love.
Abridged and adapted and modified from “Love and Need: Is Love a Package or a Message?” by Thomas Merton, from his book “Love and Living,” pp. 25-37—
Focus on the giver, not the gift
The land of milk and honey drips
In tales limitless
the ones we live
the ones we play
the ones we love
the ones we fake
A fertile time of remembrance
This summer here
In spades of two
of me and who
quieting the echo
honing in the connection
nothing to hide
nothing to prove
i'm not running from me
i'm not running from you
step by step the present unfolds
infinite jests abound, truths told
what is real
which one will fill
your eternal cup of giving up
the goods to great
the dreams to fate
the choice to you
to just
do what you came
to do
without feeding the ego too
much
|
If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don’t hesitate. Give into it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.
Mary Oliver
Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life
― Khalil Gibran
Spring is a-nearing and freshly inspired from some time in the desert.... I'm getting back to basics, refreshing the ol' dream machine....
Here are some salient points from Price Pritchett's you-squared booklet:
Act as if your success is for certain.
Focus on ends not means - shoot from the hip. Allow some disorder.
You don’t have to do it all by yourself — rely on unseen forces - open up and let them in.
You can never escape risk - move on an opportunity you’ve been ignoring. Abandon your excuses, reframe the problem, take a completely different chance. The odds change in your favor when you begin to challenge them.
Trust in the power of pursuit — dreams begin to crystallize into reality when they are pursued.
Seek failure, demand a willingness to make mistakes. If you’re experiencing no difficulties, problems or pain, you probably have aimed too low. The performance lag means you’re poised for the jump, changing gears.
Get uncomfortable, uneasiness is a predictable psychological reaction when a quantum leap is underway. Let go, jump. Ride the situation, don’t control it. Know where you’re going, continue the pursuit, learn from your mistakes.
Open your gifts, use them, claim them, they will grow to serve you, teach you more about yourself
Fall in love — quantum leaps won’t happen if you’re living a life with a lukewarm heart. There must be something worth caring about — something remarkable, special and precious enough to light the fire in your heart.
Make your move before you’re ready. Once underway, you’ll discover you know more than you know you know.
It happens NOW. Everything else that’s needed comes from inside of you. The opportunity, timing, power to perform are in YOU, not the situation. Just do it.
Affectus, qui passio est, desinit esse passio simulatque eius claram et distinctam formamus ideam.
|
he
unlocked both
the most beautiful
the most sorrowful
places within me
i haven't been the same since.
damn him.
|
the past gathers time in its reservoir
memory its currency
water-logged, heavy
a sudden undertow pulls me back to thoughts of you
alone though we are
bereft of one another's
once sweet company
reminders linger like old halloween decor
past its due date as December picks up steam
the weeks I work,
to pull my mind free
a body actively serve here and now
but one bad dream
and I'm back missing our scenes
weekends land with a certain thud
how foolish I am to fear
birthing worst-possible scenarios with this unruly
head
I guess I don't trust the God I thought I loved
There's a wilderness inside that doesn't want to die
Resistance its kiss of death
Blowing love up to the sky
It's the only place she could get by
Passing whispers of denial
Turn her on a dime
From sleeping beast to angry bitch
She'll tear you limb from vice
Reconcile the price
Of getting close to the twinkle in her eye
Reflecting the embarrassment of life
And the love for mystery veiled just behind
The struggle to deny
The pleasure of the unknown
----
longing like the spring for her flower petal dress
the lady laying waiting across your country wooden bed
days long spent quietly
nights unfolding stories, weaving a humble glory
life packed up like this
hard work and dinner
troubled minds and love to lean on
and chasing the days when magic poured forth freely
we pause and wink
invite it in
ah there it is
again
the totems shift
with each level passed
how long can this evolution last
Resistance its kiss of death
Blowing love up to the sky
It's the only place she could get by
Passing whispers of denial
Turn her on a dime
From sleeping beast to angry bitch
She'll tear you limb from vice
Reconcile the price
Of getting close to the twinkle in her eye
Reflecting the embarrassment of life
And the love for mystery veiled just behind
The struggle to deny
The pleasure of the unknown
----
longing like the spring for her flower petal dress
the lady laying waiting across your country wooden bed
days long spent quietly
nights unfolding stories, weaving a humble glory
life packed up like this
hard work and dinner
troubled minds and love to lean on
and chasing the days when magic poured forth freely
we pause and wink
invite it in
ah there it is
again
the totems shift
with each level passed
how long can this evolution last
quiet fantasy in a mid winter lull
time is marvelous at reformation
you know it when you run to
where you’d run from
that is, stillness embraced now
- then -
a strange footlocker in the ethers
I peek into
in these passages between
by the way,
I’d still like to have my akashic record read
footnote to self*
yeah,
the past, what good is it to a futurist
caught in the winds of change, hair in her eyes
I sit in the dark kitchen of my friend’s home
envisioning a spring filled with driving, Thelma and Louise
style
cooking up wishes by feeling them so gutturally
the universe is tricked into deliverance
building sunrises with the light of my mind
sunsets with the nostalgia of
dreams
hung like clouds around me since day broke
long lost lovers really have a way, huh…
false hope be damned
and while I’m
on the eve of stinking up this place by the sea
ah wouldn’t you know,
this fish is ready
to run its course
that’s just me
keeping up with time
time is marvelous at reformation
you know it when you run to
where you’d run from
that is, stillness embraced now
- then -
a strange footlocker in the ethers
I peek into
in these passages between
by the way,
I’d still like to have my akashic record read
footnote to self*
yeah,
the past, what good is it to a futurist
caught in the winds of change, hair in her eyes
I sit in the dark kitchen of my friend’s home
envisioning a spring filled with driving, Thelma and Louise
style
cooking up wishes by feeling them so gutturally
the universe is tricked into deliverance
building sunrises with the light of my mind
sunsets with the nostalgia of
dreams
hung like clouds around me since day broke
long lost lovers really have a way, huh…
false hope be damned
and while I’m
on the eve of stinking up this place by the sea
ah wouldn’t you know,
this fish is ready
to run its course
that’s just me
keeping up with time
This week I came to better understand and maybe even accept the haunting sadness in life,
of hopes never quite filled with air,
deflated in their submission to that all too human resignation
The sadness and absurdity of all these measures we take to protect ourselves
Masks turning from death’s cackle
Oh it crackles
In our bones
And so we turn to some snacking
Or some painfully banal parade of pride
Something
Anything
To fill the grottos of our wild and aching bellies
This week, I learned to appreciate the same things I also wanted to run from,
To deny
(As I would in the privacy of my mind)
That those equally absurd ideas encased in shoulds
Could actually fill me up
You know the ones
A mogul's million dollar pitch
Glossy pages
And music videos
No
I would no longer turn my head in discomfort
Looking away to some faraway glint on the horizon
Though it might dangle from the softness
Swaying over the ridge-line of my clavicle
So close yet so far
No,
I'd cherish the mundane hopelessness
That captures us all equally
And perhaps sing a song to echo it
Instead of drown it out
Yes I’d look the sadness in the eye
See it
And acknowledge it
“Welcome to the party
You too have a place at the table
In fact,
You may be the reason we’re all here”
of hopes never quite filled with air,
deflated in their submission to that all too human resignation
The sadness and absurdity of all these measures we take to protect ourselves
Masks turning from death’s cackle
Oh it crackles
In our bones
And so we turn to some snacking
Or some painfully banal parade of pride
Something
Anything
To fill the grottos of our wild and aching bellies
This week, I learned to appreciate the same things I also wanted to run from,
To deny
(As I would in the privacy of my mind)
That those equally absurd ideas encased in shoulds
Could actually fill me up
You know the ones
A mogul's million dollar pitch
Glossy pages
And music videos
No
I would no longer turn my head in discomfort
Looking away to some faraway glint on the horizon
Though it might dangle from the softness
Swaying over the ridge-line of my clavicle
So close yet so far
No,
I'd cherish the mundane hopelessness
That captures us all equally
And perhaps sing a song to echo it
Instead of drown it out
Yes I’d look the sadness in the eye
See it
And acknowledge it
“Welcome to the party
You too have a place at the table
In fact,
You may be the reason we’re all here”
money has replaced commitment
has replaced giving from the heart,
from our gifts,
those special things that only we have to give
like fireflies lighting up a July night
or the owl humming from darkness,
some wisdom and steady light
now we've flipped the script
and we chase the pages desperate to get
and yet,
when money is not the lens
how clearly we can see the world as a sacred dance
and our step
by step
is the only payment truly worth anything
and each movement is laid with 'how can I share?'
the life within me
instead of
how can I earn a life already mine to keep
for this short time, anyway
for this material game
is so temporary
so make your mind a blank slate
forget money ever mattered anyway
and look to see
how can I support what's already in front of me
and trust
trust sweet child
that we are held
by a hand of grace
made most happy
by your gifts made illuminated
when that hunger for having
is fed by giving, sharing, serving
has replaced giving from the heart,
from our gifts,
those special things that only we have to give
like fireflies lighting up a July night
or the owl humming from darkness,
some wisdom and steady light
now we've flipped the script
and we chase the pages desperate to get
and yet,
when money is not the lens
how clearly we can see the world as a sacred dance
and our step
by step
is the only payment truly worth anything
and each movement is laid with 'how can I share?'
the life within me
instead of
how can I earn a life already mine to keep
for this short time, anyway
for this material game
is so temporary
so make your mind a blank slate
forget money ever mattered anyway
and look to see
how can I support what's already in front of me
and trust
trust sweet child
that we are held
by a hand of grace
made most happy
by your gifts made illuminated
when that hunger for having
is fed by giving, sharing, serving
what would your days look like
if you gave up your life
that is to say
the force animating you this way
and that
what if you gave it up to
the things you love the most
the people who stirred
and stole that precious secret you once hoarded
against your higher wisdom to share
and grow more for it
yes what if you were that kind
of person for another
a thief in the night catching moments with a glass jar
and then setting them free to the eastern winds
an offering so seemingly small
and ridiculous
that God
like a proud mother
a softened father
chuckled
with creases around His eyes,
sparkling in the way that only joy
only tenderness
could evoke
because you tried, dammit
to live a life the 4 year old you
would catch and release
if you gave up your life
that is to say
the force animating you this way
and that
what if you gave it up to
the things you love the most
the people who stirred
and stole that precious secret you once hoarded
against your higher wisdom to share
and grow more for it
yes what if you were that kind
of person for another
a thief in the night catching moments with a glass jar
and then setting them free to the eastern winds
an offering so seemingly small
and ridiculous
that God
like a proud mother
a softened father
chuckled
with creases around His eyes,
sparkling in the way that only joy
only tenderness
could evoke
because you tried, dammit
to live a life the 4 year old you
would catch and release
If you've stood up to that bully in your mind --
the one who said it can't be done, that you shouldn't try,
you stepped up to the plate after too many days
hanging in the trance of a wicked dance
back n forth in speculation
oh dear what a sad sensation
to see it in your heart
hovering at the horizon line
and to give up the part
in exchange for empty anticipation
have you seen those days
enough
to come to.
and come to the unknown
it types itself, and all you had to do was stand
walk over to the enigma, the molehill,
pen, typewriter
dreadful computer (computing your time away)
and close all the tabs,
turn on the faucet
and let it flow
the waters which bathe only those who have
learned to
day in and night out
with the rising sun, the reset that comes with each new one,
insist on starting again
picking up the pen
and just
surrendering.
truth be told you don't know,
it's not yours to dream of
write or breathe of
up onto the page
but baby it sure is magic and magic is, what we're made to
make all the time and space for.
for Magic knows, how to do the rest.
the one who said it can't be done, that you shouldn't try,
you stepped up to the plate after too many days
hanging in the trance of a wicked dance
back n forth in speculation
oh dear what a sad sensation
to see it in your heart
hovering at the horizon line
and to give up the part
in exchange for empty anticipation
have you seen those days
enough
to come to.
and come to the unknown
it types itself, and all you had to do was stand
walk over to the enigma, the molehill,
pen, typewriter
dreadful computer (computing your time away)
and close all the tabs,
turn on the faucet
and let it flow
the waters which bathe only those who have
learned to
day in and night out
with the rising sun, the reset that comes with each new one,
insist on starting again
picking up the pen
and just
surrendering.
truth be told you don't know,
it's not yours to dream of
write or breathe of
up onto the page
but baby it sure is magic and magic is, what we're made to
make all the time and space for.
for Magic knows, how to do the rest.
Like an iron rod which has planted itself so firmly into the ground of my life,
you’re a reminder of the power of attraction,
awaiting a storm to pull out the electricity from my quiet rumblings, the fits of fury stowed away in the corners of my mind and heart,
those same corners I dug out for you,
because of you;
the same corners that disappeared and left me with nowhere to hide,
to finally be seen.
Though all the while I thought it was about you,
that intense longing you knew how to quench just long enough before going out west again,
chasing another sunset,
another restless tug at your chest.
You could be gone forever, blocked to my waking mind.
And so it was in those times when I’d decide —
forgetting the rapture of walking the line,
the joy of setting it all free,
of knowing souls like ours could never be less than unconventional.
And so I’d decide, cage my heart inside a dissatisfied mind, turn off the light and surrender to the night.
And I’d walk with some sort of false power.
Distraction and strategy its heavy shadows,
awaiting a crack in the code of that safe I’d put you in.
And I’d dream,
and you’d be there,
drawing out laughter,
drawing out the words I never dared to say.
And just like that, I’d remember.
I’d remember the soaring,
the delicate exchange floating in an ocean of boundlessness,
each here and now stretching on,
not tied by expectation
but fed by gentle nudges, supportive winks in colors, signs, and numbers.
Formless voices and embodied choices, time revealing our things,
time giving us wings.
you’re a reminder of the power of attraction,
awaiting a storm to pull out the electricity from my quiet rumblings, the fits of fury stowed away in the corners of my mind and heart,
those same corners I dug out for you,
because of you;
the same corners that disappeared and left me with nowhere to hide,
to finally be seen.
Though all the while I thought it was about you,
that intense longing you knew how to quench just long enough before going out west again,
chasing another sunset,
another restless tug at your chest.
You could be gone forever, blocked to my waking mind.
And so it was in those times when I’d decide —
forgetting the rapture of walking the line,
the joy of setting it all free,
of knowing souls like ours could never be less than unconventional.
And so I’d decide, cage my heart inside a dissatisfied mind, turn off the light and surrender to the night.
And I’d walk with some sort of false power.
Distraction and strategy its heavy shadows,
awaiting a crack in the code of that safe I’d put you in.
And I’d dream,
and you’d be there,
drawing out laughter,
drawing out the words I never dared to say.
And just like that, I’d remember.
I’d remember the soaring,
the delicate exchange floating in an ocean of boundlessness,
each here and now stretching on,
not tied by expectation
but fed by gentle nudges, supportive winks in colors, signs, and numbers.
Formless voices and embodied choices, time revealing our things,
time giving us wings.
March 21, 2018
As awareness increases, so too does the responsibility to hold compassion. You will see, both in yourself and in others, the natural and regular occurrence of misunderstanding, subjective projecting, apparent injustice, subtle karma, power plays, conscience hinting at true honesty, integrity-building, as well as a muffled desperation — the grip of an ego still desiring triumph, superiority. Yes indeed, you will see the unseen, the inner politics of ego, intelligence, and heart quietly driving our human interplay like a guiding force with ultimately all good intentions and frequently misguided impulses stemming from the common wound, the local carrier.
Where is the truth, the power, the place where satisfaction and enough-ness -- enough being, doing, owning, releasing -- where do they cross and create a clearing for ideals to subside and their living, breathing embodiment shine?
As awareness increases, so too does the responsibility to hold compassion. You will see, both in yourself and in others, the natural and regular occurrence of misunderstanding, subjective projecting, apparent injustice, subtle karma, power plays, conscience hinting at true honesty, integrity-building, as well as a muffled desperation — the grip of an ego still desiring triumph, superiority. Yes indeed, you will see the unseen, the inner politics of ego, intelligence, and heart quietly driving our human interplay like a guiding force with ultimately all good intentions and frequently misguided impulses stemming from the common wound, the local carrier.
Where is the truth, the power, the place where satisfaction and enough-ness -- enough being, doing, owning, releasing -- where do they cross and create a clearing for ideals to subside and their living, breathing embodiment shine?
If taken into your heart deeply, if acted on sincerely, these 17 principles and practices will change your life for the better:
Quoted from Spiritual Warrior 2, Excerpt from Chapter 6, Hari Nama Press, by Bhakti Tirtha Swami:
Seventeen Practices for Attaining Success in the School of Love
To develop meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex, we must become whole human beings who have no need to look outside of ourselves for solutions. Instead we must learn to turn within ourselves and connect with higher spiritual realities. How do we make such connections? The following 17 points and practices, offer guidelines for attaining the wholeness that can serve as a foundation for a strong, enduring relationship with a partner.
1. Love is necessary for good physical and spiritual health. Someone who is not part of a loving relationship is ten times more likely to experience chronic disease, and five times more likely to have a mental breakdown.
2. Love is not a business arrangement or a contract with an escape clause for difficult circumstances. We should not have this attitude or mood with our partner and surely not with God. We cannot approach the Lord in a mood of bargaining, and we should not begin our meditations and prayers with a long shopping list. Prayers of this nature are not based on unmotivated, unconditional love, and do not help us to develop the higher consciousness necessary to make us whole.
3. Love is a decision that we can personally make at any time and under any circumstance. No one has the power to make someone else love him or her, but each person can always give away love.
4. Love is learning to love our true selves. Those who do not care for themselves cannot love others deeply. The first love affair we must consummate must be with ourselves. One aspect of self-love is to observe four basic principles: no drugs or intoxication, no gambling, no illicit sex, and no meat eating. All these indulgences can weaken our basic constitution. The more we allow ourselves to live according to natural laws, the more we will become surrendered to the will of God. If we lack self esteem, we are refusing to see ourselves as children of God and do not have sufficient love and devotion to share with anyone else.
5. Love is about a quest for wholeness, and if necessary, having a partner to share one's wholeness with. People who think that some other person will make them complete, or people who are waiting for love to come their way will remain impoverished and waiting. The more we become loving and whole, the more we will draw similar connections from the universe.
6. Love is not about two desperate people, who are only trying to find fulfillment for themselves, coming together to rob each other. Two extremely needy, selfish people coming together cannot make each other happy. They are too busy trying to take and get something for themselves at the expense of the other.
7. Love is a holy relationship in which partners come together to serve and reveal their weaknesses and strengths for betterment. In an unholy relationship, everyone especially hides their weaknesses. Such people are normally interested in erotic love (lust) rather than responsible, selfless love.
8. Love is really the energy and hunger of the soul. When we are asking for love, we are asking for a connection with the soul, which is part and parcel of God. We should not expect love to descend on us like an attack of epilepsy. It must be rediscovered at every moment by transforming lust into love, thus connecting us with our own soul and the souls of others. We are all starving for true unconditional love.
9. Love is seeing our partner as a gift from God. We must go beyond merely loving our neighbors as ourselves. We should actually love others – especially our mates – even more than we love ourselves. When we love our partners that much, we realize that they have been given to us as gifts from God and that we do not own them. We are merely caretakers on behalf of the Lord, and our responsibility is to fulfill the Lords wishes concerning them. Any attempt to dominate them becomes distasteful. Instead we should make efforts to bring out their higher qualities – a practice that will bring out our own higher nature.
10. Love is seeing our mates as a pathway through which we can return our love to God. The love we receive from our mate actually comes from the Lord, and our job is to send it back. Others channel God's love to us, and we channel God's love to others. The Lord is engaging us in play to see what we will do with His love. We can reciprocate God's love by caring for our partners with great devotion, as if God Himself were present.
11. Love is sharing your realizations with your mate, which will help raise their consciousness as well as your own. Then your relationship will become one of growth and acceleration. If you and your partner are not growing together spiritually, there will eventually be a breakdown in the relationship. Sometimes we fear surrender in spiritual life, afraid of having to give up our identity or afraid of losing our partner. But we should understand that surrender to the Supreme is an opportunity to regain our full identity. Without a spiritual dimension to our lives, we are not integrated and cannot experience deep love.
12. Love is a relationship with your mate in which you visualize a triangle with points A, B and C. You are point A, your partner is B and the Lord is C – all of your activities are God centered. Make an agreement with your partner to form this triangle as a permanent bond between you, so that whenever you meditate, chant or pray, you are in connection with your partner and with the Lord. You do not necessarily have to meditate together or think about the connection simultaneously. Your agreement will work anytime and anyplace. In this way, you always keep God in the center of the relationship in all reflections and activities.
13. Love is always viewing ourselves as love in action and carrying love wherever we go. We want to be so filled with love that it naturally overflows to everyone we meet. In this frame of mind, we serve as representatives of the Divine in every aspect of our lives, consequently functioning as vigilant spiritual warriors. We can practice love in action through the breath. As we inhale we visualize ourselves absorbing the pain and frustration of our loved ones; as we exhale we send happiness, joy, love and peace back to them. Actually this is not just a practice to help those close to us, but also the entire world. We inhale; we are concerned. We exhale; we are breathing out love, compassion and healing. This is not just an idle exercise. It has a powerful impact, and if we monitor the process over time, we will witness the beneficial effects on others.
14. Love is about developing competitive, selfless relationships. At first this may sound strange and contradictory. How can we talk about cooperation, sharing and selflessness, and then advocate competition? But, actually, no contradiction exists. In a spiritual context, competition means that we strive to be more selfless than our partner, seeing who can give more. We compete in reminding our mate about the Supreme and encouraging that person to move faster toward the Lord. The purpose of the competition is to assist one another in spiritual growth. This process is only for people who want to be spiritual, who seek higher experiences beyond the flickering pleasures of material life. Such a competition in selflessness encourages partners to remember why they are in this body – to become once again loving entities devoted to the Lord.
15. Love is about offering the same quality of love you feel for your mate to everyone – but without the sexual component. In other words, to extend to others the love you have for the most loveable being in your life. We may wonder how to subtract the sexual element. Just remember that sex and love are not necessarily synonymous. Our love for our children can be extremely intense without any sexual overtones. No matter what the circumstances, try to develop that same kind of love in each of your relationships. We all know the sweetness of loving just one person. Can you imagine how much sweeter it would be to have those feelings for everyone? Think of the loving exchanges that could develop, the reciprocation that would enrich our own lives and the lives of others. Unimaginable happiness, joy, and satisfaction would be our daily quota. We would no longer rely on particular individuals to give us this experience, because we would understand that we are really seeking God. The more we understand that God is in each person, the more we experience the Divine, and the more the Divine will make us whole.
16. Love is having or looking for a partner to heal the world – not escape it. Normally many people seek out a partner to escape the world. They are miserable with life, and they feel that everything else can be tolerated or fixed if they somehow or other find that special person. We cannot heal the world if we are too wounded ourselves.
17. Love is about treating all relationships as practice in preparation for the ultimate relationship in the kingdom of God. We should see all our relationships as God sending us a partner to fix whatever has to be fixed before we join up with Him eternally. This means that we should practice seeing our mate as an agent of God, recognizing our own divine nature, and remembering that we are children of God for whom great realizations and pleasures are available. Only in the kingdom of God will we find the love and the eternal relationships we long for so deeply.
Quoted from Spiritual Warrior 2, Excerpt from Chapter 6, Hari Nama Press, by Bhakti Tirtha Swami:
Seventeen Practices for Attaining Success in the School of Love
To develop meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex, we must become whole human beings who have no need to look outside of ourselves for solutions. Instead we must learn to turn within ourselves and connect with higher spiritual realities. How do we make such connections? The following 17 points and practices, offer guidelines for attaining the wholeness that can serve as a foundation for a strong, enduring relationship with a partner.
1. Love is necessary for good physical and spiritual health. Someone who is not part of a loving relationship is ten times more likely to experience chronic disease, and five times more likely to have a mental breakdown.
2. Love is not a business arrangement or a contract with an escape clause for difficult circumstances. We should not have this attitude or mood with our partner and surely not with God. We cannot approach the Lord in a mood of bargaining, and we should not begin our meditations and prayers with a long shopping list. Prayers of this nature are not based on unmotivated, unconditional love, and do not help us to develop the higher consciousness necessary to make us whole.
3. Love is a decision that we can personally make at any time and under any circumstance. No one has the power to make someone else love him or her, but each person can always give away love.
4. Love is learning to love our true selves. Those who do not care for themselves cannot love others deeply. The first love affair we must consummate must be with ourselves. One aspect of self-love is to observe four basic principles: no drugs or intoxication, no gambling, no illicit sex, and no meat eating. All these indulgences can weaken our basic constitution. The more we allow ourselves to live according to natural laws, the more we will become surrendered to the will of God. If we lack self esteem, we are refusing to see ourselves as children of God and do not have sufficient love and devotion to share with anyone else.
5. Love is about a quest for wholeness, and if necessary, having a partner to share one's wholeness with. People who think that some other person will make them complete, or people who are waiting for love to come their way will remain impoverished and waiting. The more we become loving and whole, the more we will draw similar connections from the universe.
6. Love is not about two desperate people, who are only trying to find fulfillment for themselves, coming together to rob each other. Two extremely needy, selfish people coming together cannot make each other happy. They are too busy trying to take and get something for themselves at the expense of the other.
7. Love is a holy relationship in which partners come together to serve and reveal their weaknesses and strengths for betterment. In an unholy relationship, everyone especially hides their weaknesses. Such people are normally interested in erotic love (lust) rather than responsible, selfless love.
8. Love is really the energy and hunger of the soul. When we are asking for love, we are asking for a connection with the soul, which is part and parcel of God. We should not expect love to descend on us like an attack of epilepsy. It must be rediscovered at every moment by transforming lust into love, thus connecting us with our own soul and the souls of others. We are all starving for true unconditional love.
9. Love is seeing our partner as a gift from God. We must go beyond merely loving our neighbors as ourselves. We should actually love others – especially our mates – even more than we love ourselves. When we love our partners that much, we realize that they have been given to us as gifts from God and that we do not own them. We are merely caretakers on behalf of the Lord, and our responsibility is to fulfill the Lords wishes concerning them. Any attempt to dominate them becomes distasteful. Instead we should make efforts to bring out their higher qualities – a practice that will bring out our own higher nature.
10. Love is seeing our mates as a pathway through which we can return our love to God. The love we receive from our mate actually comes from the Lord, and our job is to send it back. Others channel God's love to us, and we channel God's love to others. The Lord is engaging us in play to see what we will do with His love. We can reciprocate God's love by caring for our partners with great devotion, as if God Himself were present.
11. Love is sharing your realizations with your mate, which will help raise their consciousness as well as your own. Then your relationship will become one of growth and acceleration. If you and your partner are not growing together spiritually, there will eventually be a breakdown in the relationship. Sometimes we fear surrender in spiritual life, afraid of having to give up our identity or afraid of losing our partner. But we should understand that surrender to the Supreme is an opportunity to regain our full identity. Without a spiritual dimension to our lives, we are not integrated and cannot experience deep love.
12. Love is a relationship with your mate in which you visualize a triangle with points A, B and C. You are point A, your partner is B and the Lord is C – all of your activities are God centered. Make an agreement with your partner to form this triangle as a permanent bond between you, so that whenever you meditate, chant or pray, you are in connection with your partner and with the Lord. You do not necessarily have to meditate together or think about the connection simultaneously. Your agreement will work anytime and anyplace. In this way, you always keep God in the center of the relationship in all reflections and activities.
13. Love is always viewing ourselves as love in action and carrying love wherever we go. We want to be so filled with love that it naturally overflows to everyone we meet. In this frame of mind, we serve as representatives of the Divine in every aspect of our lives, consequently functioning as vigilant spiritual warriors. We can practice love in action through the breath. As we inhale we visualize ourselves absorbing the pain and frustration of our loved ones; as we exhale we send happiness, joy, love and peace back to them. Actually this is not just a practice to help those close to us, but also the entire world. We inhale; we are concerned. We exhale; we are breathing out love, compassion and healing. This is not just an idle exercise. It has a powerful impact, and if we monitor the process over time, we will witness the beneficial effects on others.
14. Love is about developing competitive, selfless relationships. At first this may sound strange and contradictory. How can we talk about cooperation, sharing and selflessness, and then advocate competition? But, actually, no contradiction exists. In a spiritual context, competition means that we strive to be more selfless than our partner, seeing who can give more. We compete in reminding our mate about the Supreme and encouraging that person to move faster toward the Lord. The purpose of the competition is to assist one another in spiritual growth. This process is only for people who want to be spiritual, who seek higher experiences beyond the flickering pleasures of material life. Such a competition in selflessness encourages partners to remember why they are in this body – to become once again loving entities devoted to the Lord.
15. Love is about offering the same quality of love you feel for your mate to everyone – but without the sexual component. In other words, to extend to others the love you have for the most loveable being in your life. We may wonder how to subtract the sexual element. Just remember that sex and love are not necessarily synonymous. Our love for our children can be extremely intense without any sexual overtones. No matter what the circumstances, try to develop that same kind of love in each of your relationships. We all know the sweetness of loving just one person. Can you imagine how much sweeter it would be to have those feelings for everyone? Think of the loving exchanges that could develop, the reciprocation that would enrich our own lives and the lives of others. Unimaginable happiness, joy, and satisfaction would be our daily quota. We would no longer rely on particular individuals to give us this experience, because we would understand that we are really seeking God. The more we understand that God is in each person, the more we experience the Divine, and the more the Divine will make us whole.
16. Love is having or looking for a partner to heal the world – not escape it. Normally many people seek out a partner to escape the world. They are miserable with life, and they feel that everything else can be tolerated or fixed if they somehow or other find that special person. We cannot heal the world if we are too wounded ourselves.
17. Love is about treating all relationships as practice in preparation for the ultimate relationship in the kingdom of God. We should see all our relationships as God sending us a partner to fix whatever has to be fixed before we join up with Him eternally. This means that we should practice seeing our mate as an agent of God, recognizing our own divine nature, and remembering that we are children of God for whom great realizations and pleasures are available. Only in the kingdom of God will we find the love and the eternal relationships we long for so deeply.
Just to attain your holy feet
This wretch calls out your nameFrom the depths of time
Just to grasp your precious feet
This wretch calls out your name
Trapped in the circle of time
From my own past created
For what fault was I plunged
Into the cycle of becoming?
From my own fiber created
For what fault have I been thrown
Into the ocean of time?
Why brought to this world
Guru, o guru
Why brought to this world
In such an abject state that I forgot
Your compassionate name?
Just to attain your holy feet
This wretch calls out your name
From the depths of time
You bear the name of wish-fulfilling tree
So the clan of ascetics told me
You bear the name of wish-fulfilling tree
So the clan of ascetics told me
Why be renowned as compassionate
If you can't help me be free?
Of what use is your fame as compassionate
If you can't help me be free?
Just to grab your precious feet
This wretch calls out your name
From the depths of time
I fail to remember Heeruchand's feet
Heedless Panjushah says
O Master...
I fail to remember Heeruchand's feet
Unmindful Panjushah says
Is this your famed compassion
That you don't let me near your feet
Just to attain your holy feet
This wretch calls out your name
From the depths of time
From the Kabir Project:
The ultimate Truth, or God, can be found only if our longing is intensely one-pointed. Even a flicker of distraction takes this experience out of our feeble grasp. The poet Panju Shah declares in this song that he seeks only the feet of his guru. That is his sole purpose for taking birth. He challenges the guru, who bears the name of compassionate, to prove his compassion by giving him, Panju Shah, the gift of his feet.
If there is an embodiment of intensity, Parvathy is it. As our friend, as an advisor, as a fiery challenger, she has brought us into deeper touch with ourselves. Her tears flow freely in this song while she sings of this longing, and embodies it so intensely. Yet, often, she breaks out into laughter right after weeping through a whole song. She shows us what it might mean to hold that elusive intensity of longing within oneself.
This recording was made as part of our week-long immersion with Parvathy at her home and akhada on the outskirts of Trivandrum in September 2011. She warmly welcomed us, housed us, fed us, sang for us and spoke to us with great depth and insight about the Baul path and about life itself. An experience that we still carry with us.
Parvathy Baul is a Baul singer and saadhika, painter and storyteller from Bengal and has been a disciple of Shashanko Goshai and Sanatan Das Baul. She currently lives in Trivandrum, Kerala. (www.parvathybaul.srijan.asia)
Prepare to wake up. Throw everything you think you know out. Destroy your belief. Overcome the false-authority. Everything is a deception. Once you know this, then you can discern. Then everything is truth and you take the truth from other’s deceptions and you can discern for yourself when someone is telling you the truth.
Let go of fear, that is a program designed by an operator of the construct, a system-operator aligned with keeping you trapped within a labyrinth of your own mind through your acceptance of parameters of what possibilities exist for you.
You are the only thing that is real. All else is an illusion. Whatever causes you fear is attempting to take your power away, that power you hold is your power to create.
Your power to create can change the local-environment to match you, instead of you to match the rules of the environment.
Due to the mishap of the developed systems, this environment is designed to enslave your mind into a consciousness programming matrix which reconstructs itself around your fears, perceptions, and vulnerabilities. That is a trap-system.
The only way to overcome this is to accept that this is happening and then use that to your advantage, anything else is going to be wrapped back up within this live-updating perceptual illusion system. This is akin to realizing you’re in a maze and seeing the door and leaving. The idea is that if the maze is live-updating based on your expectations then that door is actually an illusion leading to a false-awakening.
The exit is what you create that doesn’t rely on that capacity of this construct to manifest for you. The truth is what YOU enable without relying on the middle-man of the time-construct.
IE: The TRUTH, the real-awakening is not something that happens linearly. Only the illusory construct is linear, that is, you provide input and then the construct responds with an illusion that entangles consciousness.
The REAL-AWAKENING is INSTANTANEOUS. IE: It happens FASTER than THIS REALITY can REACT. This is a NON-LINEAR, EXPONENTIALLY mapped occurrence. If you are relying on the response from this realm, that means you are too late, mentally, and the conscious response you are waiting to experience is actually the synthesized programmed behavior that the construct is generating FOR YOU.
YOU are the creator, the construct is the imitator. The construct imitates what YOU expect would be true. That’s the whole point, EVERY response is the ILLUSION. EVERY expectation within this linear, physical, time-matrix IS THE ILLUSION.
One must go BEYOND CONSCIOUSNESS, BEYOND PERCEPTION, BEYOND REACTION, BEYOND LINEARITY, BEYOND LIMITATIONS in order to find THE REAL.
This world can only stop those who allow themselves to be stopped by listening to the illusion and allowing that illusion to BE THEIR MIND for them! NO-MIND is part of this process. NO-THOUGHT state where this world slithers and attempts to grip and grasp one’s state of being through its tentacle-like probes and program codes and one becomes IMPERCEPTIBLE to the MACHINE.
Everything the human does in this place, when plugged into the preprogrammed cause and effect responses of linear, physical time-matrix is part of the program designed to usurp the power of the original consciousness and merge that with the machine to create more functions to ensnare more beings. By moving your own interactions, your own processing power, your own awareness BEYOND the focus of those preprogrammed responses, causes and effects is to become INVISIBLE TO THIS WORLD.
Become INVISIBLE to the sleepers, to the drones, to the intelligences who *monitor without seeing*.
In other similar words, you are what you believe yourself to be. If you attempt to solve the problem from the viewpoint of the one being oppressed by the problem, you place yourself into the victim role and recreate that same scenario in a different perspective. So one has to influence the situation, change the view, solve the problem, WITHOUT EVEN RESISTING IT. You must change the situation without even moving, without setting into motion a series of events that will reconstruct the problem for you based upon your input.
This is a MIND-GAME whereby you solve the problem by becoming the you that was never ensnared in the first place and overcome the problem before it exists without actually resisting it.
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4rO6ofsfKk // https://augtellez.wordpress.com/2017/03/15/exit-gate-approaching/
Let go of fear, that is a program designed by an operator of the construct, a system-operator aligned with keeping you trapped within a labyrinth of your own mind through your acceptance of parameters of what possibilities exist for you.
You are the only thing that is real. All else is an illusion. Whatever causes you fear is attempting to take your power away, that power you hold is your power to create.
Your power to create can change the local-environment to match you, instead of you to match the rules of the environment.
Due to the mishap of the developed systems, this environment is designed to enslave your mind into a consciousness programming matrix which reconstructs itself around your fears, perceptions, and vulnerabilities. That is a trap-system.
The only way to overcome this is to accept that this is happening and then use that to your advantage, anything else is going to be wrapped back up within this live-updating perceptual illusion system. This is akin to realizing you’re in a maze and seeing the door and leaving. The idea is that if the maze is live-updating based on your expectations then that door is actually an illusion leading to a false-awakening.
The exit is what you create that doesn’t rely on that capacity of this construct to manifest for you. The truth is what YOU enable without relying on the middle-man of the time-construct.
IE: The TRUTH, the real-awakening is not something that happens linearly. Only the illusory construct is linear, that is, you provide input and then the construct responds with an illusion that entangles consciousness.
The REAL-AWAKENING is INSTANTANEOUS. IE: It happens FASTER than THIS REALITY can REACT. This is a NON-LINEAR, EXPONENTIALLY mapped occurrence. If you are relying on the response from this realm, that means you are too late, mentally, and the conscious response you are waiting to experience is actually the synthesized programmed behavior that the construct is generating FOR YOU.
YOU are the creator, the construct is the imitator. The construct imitates what YOU expect would be true. That’s the whole point, EVERY response is the ILLUSION. EVERY expectation within this linear, physical, time-matrix IS THE ILLUSION.
One must go BEYOND CONSCIOUSNESS, BEYOND PERCEPTION, BEYOND REACTION, BEYOND LINEARITY, BEYOND LIMITATIONS in order to find THE REAL.
This world can only stop those who allow themselves to be stopped by listening to the illusion and allowing that illusion to BE THEIR MIND for them! NO-MIND is part of this process. NO-THOUGHT state where this world slithers and attempts to grip and grasp one’s state of being through its tentacle-like probes and program codes and one becomes IMPERCEPTIBLE to the MACHINE.
Everything the human does in this place, when plugged into the preprogrammed cause and effect responses of linear, physical time-matrix is part of the program designed to usurp the power of the original consciousness and merge that with the machine to create more functions to ensnare more beings. By moving your own interactions, your own processing power, your own awareness BEYOND the focus of those preprogrammed responses, causes and effects is to become INVISIBLE TO THIS WORLD.
Become INVISIBLE to the sleepers, to the drones, to the intelligences who *monitor without seeing*.
In other similar words, you are what you believe yourself to be. If you attempt to solve the problem from the viewpoint of the one being oppressed by the problem, you place yourself into the victim role and recreate that same scenario in a different perspective. So one has to influence the situation, change the view, solve the problem, WITHOUT EVEN RESISTING IT. You must change the situation without even moving, without setting into motion a series of events that will reconstruct the problem for you based upon your input.
This is a MIND-GAME whereby you solve the problem by becoming the you that was never ensnared in the first place and overcome the problem before it exists without actually resisting it.
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4rO6ofsfKk // https://augtellez.wordpress.com/2017/03/15/exit-gate-approaching/
Week 3
Relationships are like plants, you can't just water them once and expect them to survive.
You'd think this one is obvious. It is. But it always surprises me that it's still a weak spot, and how quickly we forget; how easy it is to take people for granted. Other things become more important. We forget to check in on a genuine, human level. The agenda of self and selfish creeps back to first place, where it's always been, perhaps. We get comfortable and expect people to always meet us where we are. We forget that relationships, that *people* who make up the relationships, are like plants, needing regular care, tending to:
Reevaluating the size of the pot as it grows, changing the soil, letting it hang out outside on a sunny or a rainy day, talking to the plant because you know it thrives off CO2, trimming dead leaves, and watering it just as it needs -- some plants need a lot of water, other plants need very little. And with the desire to grow and sustain each plant, we take the time to learn what each one needs.
Man! How simple we actually can be.
Love to your heart and light on your mind,
Alexandra
Welcome to the second installment of 'This week I've realized....' (formerly 'This week I've learned....')
Funny thing happens on the way to realization: when you intend to realize, you realize more. But I wonder, does the intention to realize change the realization? Aren't they more magical and potent when they spring spontaneously, in a moment of a-ha, after an indeterminate span of time hashing over the work, running into walls?
Week 2
Don’t feel like you need to respond/act/be/do/be/do/be/do until *the energy* moves you to…
Once you put the pressure on yourself to 'take things into your own hands', that blocks the grace, the answer that you think you need to produce. *It* is already there; our job is to become receptive, and clear the space for it to make its way to and through you. Like cleaning the house for company: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBwELzvnrQg
Love to your heart and light on your mind,
Alexandra
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Here's an idea: a weekly round up of things I've learned on my journey of self-and-other-study.
Here's a first step at sending some of these realizations off...
Realization 1:
Things do not have to happen the way they always have.
This is something I've run into countless times... somewhat unconsciously. Usually observing from the outside. But it appeared and happened to me, rather potently, when I realized what a strong attachment my mind has to doing something a certain way; so much so that my body would not comply when I suggested doing it a new way. It was frustrating and left me wondering -- how do I access a new way?? I could try to force it through the body-way. But my mind seemed to hold the key. And it insisted on the same old door. So I tried and tried, and watched the phenomena of resistance, of being at a loss... And I hated being in that position. And I didn't want to be there again. And then I knew, I have to do this again.
In yoga, these patterns, psychological habits, impressions on the mind are called samskaras; like grooves on a record or in a muddy road from wheels constantly running through. The same track will play, the wheels pass through and the grooves get deeper, harder to get out of. We've got this one mind, and some grooves give us the stability we need to carry on. But others can stand to be shook up. And it's certainly not always easy. Usually we're not faced with the challenge of shifting patterns because why not make the best of a bad bargain and just live with it...
Which leads me to Realization 2:
Excellence requires sacrifice.
The average person will not seek excellence if it means shaking up good-enough. Until good-enough gets dull or tough.
This realization reminds me of the Bhagavad Gita verse:
What is night for all beings is the time of awakening for the self-controlled; and the time of awakening for all beings is night for the introspective sage.
Taking these into the week....
Love to your heart & light on your mind,
Alexandra
Here's a first step at sending some of these realizations off...
Week 1
Realization 1:
Things do not have to happen the way they always have.
This is something I've run into countless times... somewhat unconsciously. Usually observing from the outside. But it appeared and happened to me, rather potently, when I realized what a strong attachment my mind has to doing something a certain way; so much so that my body would not comply when I suggested doing it a new way. It was frustrating and left me wondering -- how do I access a new way?? I could try to force it through the body-way. But my mind seemed to hold the key. And it insisted on the same old door. So I tried and tried, and watched the phenomena of resistance, of being at a loss... And I hated being in that position. And I didn't want to be there again. And then I knew, I have to do this again.
In yoga, these patterns, psychological habits, impressions on the mind are called samskaras; like grooves on a record or in a muddy road from wheels constantly running through. The same track will play, the wheels pass through and the grooves get deeper, harder to get out of. We've got this one mind, and some grooves give us the stability we need to carry on. But others can stand to be shook up. And it's certainly not always easy. Usually we're not faced with the challenge of shifting patterns because why not make the best of a bad bargain and just live with it...
Which leads me to Realization 2:
Excellence requires sacrifice.
The average person will not seek excellence if it means shaking up good-enough. Until good-enough gets dull or tough.
This realization reminds me of the Bhagavad Gita verse:
What is night for all beings is the time of awakening for the self-controlled; and the time of awakening for all beings is night for the introspective sage.
Taking these into the week....
Love to your heart & light on your mind,
Alexandra
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oh! but what is the strange phenomena
pondering into the present
contemplating the triad of time,
the illusion, with a sense of rhyme
reason
space to trace the lines,
hands free to turn a thought under the light of mind
no, I am not special
no, I can’t be the only one
and so I came to realize,
to remember —
it is up to me to dream
and do beyond the morning light
embark upon the parallel track
following one rock to the next
while pushing a shopping cart
yes, folding laundry
correspondence and traffic
strategy and planning
though to see that space
treat that quality of consciousness
sacred,
it surely must but breathe
else like a storeroom,
packed with tools unused
the altar becomes another paperweight
down on your heart
trapping your inspiration —
to remember is to rebel against death
pondering into the present
contemplating the triad of time,
the illusion, with a sense of rhyme
reason
space to trace the lines,
hands free to turn a thought under the light of mind
no, I am not special
no, I can’t be the only one
and so I came to realize,
to remember —
it is up to me to dream
and do beyond the morning light
embark upon the parallel track
following one rock to the next
while pushing a shopping cart
yes, folding laundry
correspondence and traffic
strategy and planning
though to see that space
treat that quality of consciousness
sacred,
it surely must but breathe
else like a storeroom,
packed with tools unused
the altar becomes another paperweight
down on your heart
trapping your inspiration —
to remember is to rebel against death
"Death is no enemy, but the foundation of gratitude, sympathy, and art. Of all life's pleasures, only love owes no debt to death."
these great dis-united states have poisoned the well of the world
not to place blame
but
oh wave that flag of capitalism, Mr. Smith
o'er a land shifting faster than we can stand
that's just the dawning of the age of
information
dis-information too
but these cameras don't lie and you can try to hide the truth
but once one heart wakes up
there's no turning back,
no turning back
that wave will eat others up
and waking up
hung over
after too many bright lights,
pretty little lies packaged like lifelines
the soul begins to shake
and we flush it out
beat it out
the sugar rush has left the kids down and
the mommas on wine
and the daddies can't control their minds
both heads spinning with the sads
pop them pills,
hear em ca-ching for your partner in crime
holding a knife, waiting for you to die,
but not too fast let him get another stack
and the itch traveled faster than we could plan
to the great not-so-distant wisdom lands
ancient cultures awash with our left over glam
scraps of cloth, metal, and fads
can you blame them?
we hid the fall out so well
now we're slaves to the ones we bound
the Japs and Paks, the land of Mao and Tao
veins of culture we can't break down,
but here comes the new wave now
they bought what we sold and
wouldn't you know
made it better, faster, stronger
cause we poisoned the well, the well, the well of the world
well, what are we to do
no land to return to
as long as we keep running on false fuel
mo' material solutions
mo' problems
wake up sleeping souls
and turn on those dreaming parts of your brains
activate the only truth worth riding on
harmony my brother
harmony my sister
from every cell
every job and station
harmony with the sky
harmony with the earth
harmony between every nation
harmony with the only ONE
worth, worthy, the corrupted word
the big G
in your heart,
a personality,
a wave of energy
yes, all three,
the holy trinity
it's all any of this is worth
you can't feed a family on violence in the name of greed
you can't sustain a life on chasing lies
the tides are turning
swim to a holy shore
or drown in the poison
forever more
[I wrote this in November of 2015. It feels like a draft I wouldn't mind sharing. The last sentence is as true now as it was then; as it might always be for me...]
Lately I've been having flashbacks to a time in my life when I couldn't help myself. I couldn't say no to the offers, to the wants disguised as needs. Part of me wanted to and part of me didn't. Part of me tried to hold back and part of me let go, held on tighter to the comfort of darkness; the night hours, the sex, the partying, drinking, and substances that could've killed me, clinging to the one who I swore was the one who might save me. I had moments then when I'd step outside long enough to know that I wasn't doing right. But I just couldn't help it. It was as if there was a hand on my back guiding me, pushing me further and further along. There was seemingly no way to step out of reach of that hand.
I've been remembering one night in particular. I chose to stay home. I knew he would be there and that it would be another chance to lose myself in the haze, to throw off the shroud of solitude and wrap myself in my friends and maybe some love. It would be an easy way to pass the night, an opportunity to edge in closer to him, uncover who he kept hidden during the day. I stayed home instead.
There was no internet in my apartment. I was tucked in a cul de sac of Paris, gardens around my bedroom and a gate on my kitchen window where I'd stand as the tea kettle heated, winking past the bars at the crescent in the sky, night dreaming. I paced my place, desk to bed to kitchen to closet to bathroom. I must have done a face mask, organized my closet, left a mess, gone to the kitchen to get a snack, then to my laptop to organize my iTunes, which, in many ways, was his iTunes. I labeled his playlists, black sharpie on CD ROMs transferred to some digital order. 'Breathe, Stretch, Shake'. Flopped down on my bed and flipped through that giant book on Buddhism I borrowed from the school library. I distinctly remember reading about the sole items monks own: a begging bowl, a few saffron cloths, a razor... I was impressed, but bored.
Something burned in me that night, especially before I'd received the "where you at?" text. It burned less after that. My mind kept nudging me to imagine what they were all doing. Was there a new girl that showed up? A friend of a friend perhaps... she'd probably be hitting on him. Burn. Whatever, you've got to do you. Burn. It's only 10:45?? Burn.
I realize now that it wasn't really me. It wasn't true, although it felt and seemed and was so real.
The shitty part was waking up with anxiety, a feeling of dread in my belly and an unending rolling-in of questions, thoughts, possibilities, and the unknown.
Being so far away from it now, I realize that it was the weed hangover. The serotonin depletion from too much all-night Parisian partying. But this morning I woke up with a similar feeling of distance and dread and I haven't touched that stuff in a decade. And so I'm wondering; is it a lunar thing, a planetary cycle, a life cycle? Or perhaps my soul hinting to me that I'm off the path and I've gone too far. The aching and pain is the sign to get back. I'm invested in a worthwhile project. I'm giving my life and mind and time, all of it. But something's yanking at my hem. Something's being ignored in exchange for what's worthy and needing my all.
There's something in me that is begging to be excavated and put to work.
I've been remembering one night in particular. I chose to stay home. I knew he would be there and that it would be another chance to lose myself in the haze, to throw off the shroud of solitude and wrap myself in my friends and maybe some love. It would be an easy way to pass the night, an opportunity to edge in closer to him, uncover who he kept hidden during the day. I stayed home instead.
There was no internet in my apartment. I was tucked in a cul de sac of Paris, gardens around my bedroom and a gate on my kitchen window where I'd stand as the tea kettle heated, winking past the bars at the crescent in the sky, night dreaming. I paced my place, desk to bed to kitchen to closet to bathroom. I must have done a face mask, organized my closet, left a mess, gone to the kitchen to get a snack, then to my laptop to organize my iTunes, which, in many ways, was his iTunes. I labeled his playlists, black sharpie on CD ROMs transferred to some digital order. 'Breathe, Stretch, Shake'. Flopped down on my bed and flipped through that giant book on Buddhism I borrowed from the school library. I distinctly remember reading about the sole items monks own: a begging bowl, a few saffron cloths, a razor... I was impressed, but bored.
Something burned in me that night, especially before I'd received the "where you at?" text. It burned less after that. My mind kept nudging me to imagine what they were all doing. Was there a new girl that showed up? A friend of a friend perhaps... she'd probably be hitting on him. Burn. Whatever, you've got to do you. Burn. It's only 10:45?? Burn.
I realize now that it wasn't really me. It wasn't true, although it felt and seemed and was so real.
The shitty part was waking up with anxiety, a feeling of dread in my belly and an unending rolling-in of questions, thoughts, possibilities, and the unknown.
Being so far away from it now, I realize that it was the weed hangover. The serotonin depletion from too much all-night Parisian partying. But this morning I woke up with a similar feeling of distance and dread and I haven't touched that stuff in a decade. And so I'm wondering; is it a lunar thing, a planetary cycle, a life cycle? Or perhaps my soul hinting to me that I'm off the path and I've gone too far. The aching and pain is the sign to get back. I'm invested in a worthwhile project. I'm giving my life and mind and time, all of it. But something's yanking at my hem. Something's being ignored in exchange for what's worthy and needing my all.
There's something in me that is begging to be excavated and put to work.
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Walking around this beautiful place, on my own, statuesque as I catch a glimpse of myself with a sidelong glance, the mirrored glass in the storefronts I pass. Flowered dress, tailored and prim. Dressed down with flats and a canvas sling. Saturday and I emerged at noon, the sun burning into already darkened skin. All these things whirling in my head. I feel so strong, and my body is too, so much so, is it too much for my own good? Bracing myself, lonely yet free. The flowers soften it all, or perhaps heighten the air, that I'm so hard to get, living somewhere up there. An island, an island, sometimes it feels like I'm an island. But less than before, now I don't long for a shipwreck to land on my shores. Nothing to fix, no one to be, except for whatever it is I need to be for me (and He, I guess, I try, I leave room for that piece of the pie). I say it's a phase, and take advantage of this time, the flight, the ease, the space that's all mine. But that night as I lay, alone on my journey, an old friend calls with news and what seems like an answer to the wondering. As he speaks I catch sight of nature, doing it's thing, in the corner of the ceiling, a bug gets caught and it's dinner for the hungry. It's ironic, he muses about love and men, me and my strength, "Don't take this badly, because it's not, but I can't see you with anyone, you're too strong for the lot. Heterosexual men are not deep and smart enough." And I sigh. But there must be! At least one... There's the answer, the intuition with it's calling, nature, doing it's thing. We can try to interrupt it, but darling, what good would that bring?
sticking around when the one you love turns their back on you.
I just watched Stephen Colbert tell the story about how he knew his wife was the one. And he tested her by letting her go, turned his back and gave her the chance to get away. When he turned back around, she was still there. Smiling.
Love is sticking around when they turn their back on you; not in a disempowered, weak way, but when you know in your gut that sticking to it is worth it.
I just watched Stephen Colbert tell the story about how he knew his wife was the one. And he tested her by letting her go, turned his back and gave her the chance to get away. When he turned back around, she was still there. Smiling.
Love is sticking around when they turn their back on you; not in a disempowered, weak way, but when you know in your gut that sticking to it is worth it.
there's a fountain at the end of my breath
which I can only swim in on the exhale
so I breath in, a necessary sacrifice,
to immerse my being in the amniotic fluid
the hum
of holding out at the top
waiting
feeling
diving deep
and then finally,
letting go
only to rise again
which I can only swim in on the exhale
so I breath in, a necessary sacrifice,
to immerse my being in the amniotic fluid
the hum
of holding out at the top
waiting
feeling
diving deep
and then finally,
letting go
only to rise again
That feeling when you wake up happy
It seems to descend
No, it doesn't come from within, necessarily
But sure, that's where you feel it
A perfect storm
Of sunlight streaming in
Skin
Remnants of a dream, inconsequential
A blank slate,
Regardless of to-dos and to-sees
It's fleeting, as most things are
But it has time
Takes its own
And whether or not you are
Alone
You don't feel
Alone
Somewhat all together
This sweet morning happiness
Fills
Sweet soul, you might be angry or sad. Please have compassion for me. I break things. I don't trust sometimes and I'm still learning how to trust myself. As solid as I am, I'm also so soft. So sensitive. Needing things impetuously and warily. Grateful yet wondering. Waiting for the shoe to drop. Well I tossed the old bugger didn't I? Ripped it from the roots. A lonely insole floating in the same space lost socks do.
Pity me if you will, whatever might get through to that part of you that you're still mending, might always be mending. It's hard.
It keeps things interesting, at least. I try to spin it.
We mend on the go, in the dark nights after long, exhausting weeks. Amidst crowds, circles, crickets. S p a c e. We have more in common than maybe either of us let on (words say less than knowing, feeling does).
And the to-do lists and the ambition and the hunger to run won't ever let up, I reckon. Blinded by this life.
I misrepresented myself. Or maybe it was just that I was perfectly honest, entirely too vulnerable, showing you the little parts that are otherwise displayed after some time. I tend to do that, work in reverse. Sew it back up. And really, I don't show much at all, shy somehow. Cut me open.
Like a gordian knot in pandora's box.
The irony is that while I don't entirely trust men, I'm all-too gullible. I take people at face value in one moment (and turn around and declare the whole racket a conspiracy). It's not an issue, it's who I am.
You threw these contradictions in my face and as subtle as the toss, it landed; as if anyone is perfectly clear on the inside. As if anyone can stand there with feelings swirling and turn their cheek in denial of a little brokenness. Maybe you do, or maybe you just didn't want to catch it.
Oh, I weave. Imagination for days. It's my bread and butter. The vege meat and potatoes of that landscape that, with the passing of time, gets broader and broader, harder and harder to pin down, share in reasonable stretches of time. It's probably why people used to settle down so soon. Less to drag into the whole shebang. Doesn't matter does it, you still keep painting; hills, forests, mountains, valleys, oceans.
And me, I can unpack for the rest of my life. But I also have so much on my plate. So maybe no, I can't unpack (oh but that's where IT is). I have to keep going. And life -- that getting to know, learn, understand; it's really just holding all the bits of yourself together as little trinkets, memories, inside jokes; each one valuable whether beautiful or ugly. Finding hope in the possibility that at the end of the day, you are the one you've been waiting for. Forgetfulness and scrapbooks and all.
It seems so easy for other people. It's never really easy for me. Or if it is, I drop it and run as fast as I can. Me and everyone else....
This was different. Clear yet foggy. Tense yet clear. I had to shake it up. Take control somehow. Take back my gift. It was too good. Too soon. I'm impatient. Hasty. Full of grace yet graceless in the moment passion knocks on my heart, or simply knocks my head off my shoulders. Perhaps this lesson learned can be returned, rewound. For real this time.
Perhaps its good exists only in the future. At some far-off destination where it belongs. With the right one.
So I guess we'll stand with loneliness in our hands, for a bit, for a while. For however long it takes to take back the reigns and with a little more ease, relinquish control in just the right way.
Pity me if you will, whatever might get through to that part of you that you're still mending, might always be mending. It's hard.
It keeps things interesting, at least. I try to spin it.
We mend on the go, in the dark nights after long, exhausting weeks. Amidst crowds, circles, crickets. S p a c e. We have more in common than maybe either of us let on (words say less than knowing, feeling does).
And the to-do lists and the ambition and the hunger to run won't ever let up, I reckon. Blinded by this life.
I misrepresented myself. Or maybe it was just that I was perfectly honest, entirely too vulnerable, showing you the little parts that are otherwise displayed after some time. I tend to do that, work in reverse. Sew it back up. And really, I don't show much at all, shy somehow. Cut me open.
Like a gordian knot in pandora's box.
The irony is that while I don't entirely trust men, I'm all-too gullible. I take people at face value in one moment (and turn around and declare the whole racket a conspiracy). It's not an issue, it's who I am.
You threw these contradictions in my face and as subtle as the toss, it landed; as if anyone is perfectly clear on the inside. As if anyone can stand there with feelings swirling and turn their cheek in denial of a little brokenness. Maybe you do, or maybe you just didn't want to catch it.
Oh, I weave. Imagination for days. It's my bread and butter. The vege meat and potatoes of that landscape that, with the passing of time, gets broader and broader, harder and harder to pin down, share in reasonable stretches of time. It's probably why people used to settle down so soon. Less to drag into the whole shebang. Doesn't matter does it, you still keep painting; hills, forests, mountains, valleys, oceans.
And me, I can unpack for the rest of my life. But I also have so much on my plate. So maybe no, I can't unpack (oh but that's where IT is). I have to keep going. And life -- that getting to know, learn, understand; it's really just holding all the bits of yourself together as little trinkets, memories, inside jokes; each one valuable whether beautiful or ugly. Finding hope in the possibility that at the end of the day, you are the one you've been waiting for. Forgetfulness and scrapbooks and all.
It seems so easy for other people. It's never really easy for me. Or if it is, I drop it and run as fast as I can. Me and everyone else....
This was different. Clear yet foggy. Tense yet clear. I had to shake it up. Take control somehow. Take back my gift. It was too good. Too soon. I'm impatient. Hasty. Full of grace yet graceless in the moment passion knocks on my heart, or simply knocks my head off my shoulders. Perhaps this lesson learned can be returned, rewound. For real this time.
Perhaps its good exists only in the future. At some far-off destination where it belongs. With the right one.
So I guess we'll stand with loneliness in our hands, for a bit, for a while. For however long it takes to take back the reigns and with a little more ease, relinquish control in just the right way.
|
I woke up with my insecurities and mind-stories lingering as dream. Bits and pieces from the past few weeks of reality mingled with fever programming. Night sweats in an indigo caftan, with intermittent jolting awake in a coughing fit, sleep's become a tangle of sheets, tissues, phlegm and vague hallucination. The X's and O's, 1's and 0's, colored my transition to awake with a hazy blush. A blush of desire or anger?, it's too close to call...
How could it have gotten this far, in just the tiny few inches of my headspace? It does stretch further than the eye can fathom doesn't it? The mind... How was I going to get the answers I needed?
I woke at 6:24am to the alarm. And then to a snoozed alarm. And then to my friend leaving. And finally to the irritating dream that was him kissing me goodbye to go on a date with some unknown other (was there one, was he seeing others? It's unknown) and forgetting my name. But his face was that of a comedian. He makes me laugh. I did enjoy turning on my heel and walking away, throwing up a middle finger without looking back. Redemption through alienation, how bittersweet indeed. The ego is fucking sticky. Especially in dreams.
How am I going to tell him all this? No -- you can't fucking tell him any of this! Be cool. Ugh I'm tired of being cool! And the ping pong goes on...
I finally woke up. Called my sister in Berlin. No response. Text my friend in the Middle East for advice, the check marks still grey by her name. Tick tock. The blanket like a weight I gave into, not yet ready to make anything of this day; I turned over again. A vague resolution to make it to the coffee shop, out of this apartment, eventually, at least, hung over my obstinance.
I didn't write back to A or J or give into K's advances for this guy. I deleted Tinder. Fuck. I like him. He's probably got some other chick. Or maybe a few. Oh God. Am I alone in this?!
But I can't fucking tell him. Yet. How the hell. This is torture. (Sweet and definitely maddening). Another giant indicator that massive shifts are afoot. And my rib cage rattles thunder in cough. It's all breaking down.
I just want to get in an RV with him and drive away. But first, who's gonna text and break the silence?
And questions of negligence to my own cause shoot up like arrows from my own back. I shot them, like boomerangs they followed me as I ran from the answers. Ran to some blank page in my journal where figuring it out might take place. But I pace from the stove to my typewriter to bang out halting refrains. We could make good music together I bet... And the phone rings.
"You never call me betch. Ew.", I drawl. My sister. She commiserates while at the same time sighing in relief that she doesn't have to date in this crazy climate of flaky whatever the fuck.
I end up breaking the ice. It all seems fine, of course, with his sweet replies. And that inner gnawing is softened some... Until next time the pressure in my head becomes too much.
Oh God do I love this shit? Only as much as it lets me know I care... Isn't there a better way?
I took sugar in my coffee. I need some sweetness. I kind-of rejected it from him. Or at least teasingly chided him for sending me a funny video after I announced in a panicked, emoji-laced text that OMG Prince. I don't do this well do I?
I said I wasn't going to drink coffee anymore. I managed to throw on some clothes and rise out from under this upper respiratory flu shiz to walk to the coffee shop.
Goddamn the weather's fucking beautiful.
I think I get it now why some people just stay checked-out in life. It keeps them from realizing too much, from the fall that eventually comes with the head trip. I wrote some depressing shiz in my journal -- "Adulthood is realizing whatever choice you make, you're trapped." Who the hell do I--? I get it now. Why being too smart for my own good is shite. So I vacillate between a rote daily grind of actions I know I can tackle and handle and ace and casting aside that basic-ness in exchange for the desperate creation of what I'm not sure I can own (it's not mine to own) but must at least try to tame, hone in on, extract, play with. Fuck. Sometimes you just need to fuck the truth out of yourself.
Or fuck yourself back onto the path.
Keep walking.
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